Saturday, September 3, 2005

        Yesterday lent itself to even more controversy at the Blacktop. There were 15 players there on an absolutely perfect Saturday morning, although I personally would have preferred a little more cloud cover. The teams were set and, although Little Joe's entry won quite a few games in a row, there was a certain amount of parity out on the court. Bueller's combine, which included me and Dr. J-Man, won a few games in a row to start the day's proceedings. Suddenly, while being whitewashed by Little Joe's team by a score of 5-0 or so, I decided I would up my offensive output just a little. Some people, including my teammate son, thought that my shot selection was a little suspect. My first attempt, an approximately 45-footer from the vicinity of halfcourt, almost went in, striking the back of the rim and bouncing off to near the top of the key. Undaunted by my first miss, my next shot, probably around a 40-footer from where the old hash marks used to be on the court, missed by quite a bit. My third attempt at scoring was a relatively tame 26-footer from the top of the key that got a little rim, but did stike the backboard with many pounds per square inch of force before bouncing away. That seemed to do it. Before I even knew what was going on, two-fifths of my team had walked off of the Blacktop. My son, disgusted with my shot selection, went and sat down. Dr. J-Man, on the other hand, just continued walking across the lawn, around the pool, out the gate, into his vehicle and right down the driveway onto Old Westport Road. The J-Man did take the time to greet Nate Gagnier, who was coming into the deSilva residence as the J-Man was leaving, but the Doctor forgot to say or wave goodbye to the rest of us that were already at the Blacktop, not unlike another well-known Blacktop participant (although the J-Man didn't even jump into the pool). My team ended up losing to Little Joe's team, finishing the game playing 5 on 3, as KC also refused to play anymore. Later, KC did join the fold again and we ended up playing until after 1400 hours (that's 2:00 pm for you rotten civilian-types like Bueller). Now I know that I kind of started this walk-off phenomena, but I think that it may be time to call a moratorium on the infamous walk-off. Two walk-offs at the same time, by both KC and Dr. J-Man, was a little tough to come back from. I do indeed realize my contribution to yesterday's walk-offs. I will admit that maybe I did go a little whacky (again) in my shot selection and it's something that I'm going to work on. I'm seeing a therapist and, with a lot of hard work, I may, in the future, be able to control my impulses to try to offensively take over a game. Having my own son abandon me, along with Dr. J-Man, has taught me a valuable lesson about the importance of good shot selection during Blacktop contests. ////  It's Sunday afternoon as I write this and, as Michael was going through the television channels next to me, TV Land, which has all of the old television shows on it, came across "Bonanza." Seems TV Land is having a Michael Landon Marathon and they've got "Bonanza" and "Little House On The Prairie" on all day long. I asked Michael to keep it on for a second, since Little Joe was in a shootout, while hiding behind an obviously fake rock, against like 5 guys. Just as Little Joe ran out of ammunition, guess what happened? Ben, Hoss and Adam came to the rescue and chased the bad guys away. Sound familiar? How about Ben "Jose The MVP" Cartwright yesterday? Playing with Little Joe, he was hollering for his team and imploring them to work hard. Even after he sat down, Ben was screaming from the sidelines for his team to excel. Later, as more and more Blacktoppers quit due to my shot selection, Ben was forced onto the team that I was on. We happened to be be playing against Little Joe's (and his protege' Cliff "The King's") team. All of a sudden, Ben is imploring his new team on and totally disparaging his old team. I guess it's like Stephen Stills used to sing, "Love The One You're With." //// Spec injured his ankle yesterday, sustaining a sprain that will probably lay him up for a little while. As always, I am tempted to place the blame on The Assassin, but it's becoming apparent to me that some Blacktoppers are beginning to think that The Assassin is really responsible for every injury that happens at the Blacktop. Actually, he's really only responsible for about 93% of the injuries at the Blacktop and actually had nothing to do with Spec's injury yesterday. //// I have requested that the Criminal Information Section, of the Mass. State Police, begin an investigation into Brian Ferris Bueller. I have been promised that a case file will be started immediately under the filing header, "BUELLER, Ferris Brian." The guy just got rims for his vehicle, which just happens to be a brand new Cadillac Escalade, that have to cost 300 bucks apiece. Jose The MVP and Deputy Chief Morrissette are willing to look the other way, but I still have some integrity. What's going on here - the Blacktop version of "Pimp My Ride," another MTV show, not unlike the "Punk'd" show that we're now so familiar with? This guy is supposed to be a school teacher? I know he says he's been back home for seven years, but c'mon. If Bueller isn't involved in organized crime or drug dealing or prostitution (that get your attention Robes?) then my name isn't webmaster. CIS will get to the bottom of this. //// The King took a tremendous amount of verbal abuse from everybody, especially me, at the Blacktop yesterday. As usual, The King displayed his usual good sense of humor, although I did feel that there were times when The King was considering plunging a knife into sombody's chest. Hang in there, King. It's all in good fun (easy for me to say, since it's at your expense). //// Last, but not least, it's well documented that I've never liked Stephen "Spec" Roberge. That dislike has been recently elevated to pure hatred as a result of Spec's misguided political views. I don't need to say any more here. It's all on the "Guestbook Page."          

Saturday,  September 17, 2005

        As they say in a Michael Jordan video that I once watched, "Just when you've thought that you've seen it all."  Of course, they're talking in the video about the outstanding play of Michael Jordan and how he's always doing something just one step better than his last play. I'm referring to Stigmata and how, just when you think you've seen it all and it can't get any whackier, Stigmata pushes the envelope and does you one better. I will admit that today at the Blacktop I attempted to torture Stigmata to within an inch of his life, far worse than anything that I've ever done to any individual before, even The King. But, much to his credit, Stiggy just kept on coming and ignored what I was saying and attempting to do to him. Permit me to explain. I was home today at 11:40 am, when Hamhocks called me on the telephone to say that they had five at his house. Ben "Jose The MVP" Cartwright had just shown up and a sixth player was needed for 3 on 3. Since they couldn't find a "player," they called me to fill in instead. I arrived shortly thereafter and the first game was a half-court affair with the sides: Hamhocks, Stigmata and myself versus Ben, NC and Justin Paulo Coelho. Ben's team came back to pull out the victory, thanks to NC's shooting,, after being behind by quite a few to start the game off. The next game was a full-court 3 on 3, with the same sides. Ben almost lost it mentally when the formerly hot-shooting NC took some questionable shots and led his team to defeat. Funny how, when NC is whacking the shots, there's no comment but, when he misses a few, his teammates crucify him. Anyway, the games went back and forth with each team taking a turn at winning, until it became clear that we'd have to quit playing 3 on 3 because NC had a hair appointment at the hair salon called "Fifi's" at 1 pm. Fifi's is the place where you pay for a haircut, but the women who cut your locks rub their ample breasts on the back of your head as they trim. You then leave a tip for the thrill of the rubdown on your squash. When NC left us high and dry, to go get his head massage, we had to play 2 on 2 halfcourt. But before I broach the subject of the 2 on 2 debacle, I have to mention Paulo thinking, during the 3 on 3 games, that you can keep just your pivot foot in the 3-second area of the lane for as long as you want and it's OK. Has Paulo ever played basketball in the post before? Does anybody who has ever played organized basketball before believe that you can keep one foot in the key (pivot foot or any other foot) for 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 or more seconds? Paulo does. Paulo, with yours truly playing D on him, got the ball with his right foot (it turned out to be his pivot foot, according to Paulo) in the lane. Paulo then took approximately 35 seconds to fake right, then left, then right again, then left again (all with the alleged pivot foot in the lane). After the previously mentioned 35 seconds, Paulo finally scored on a right-hander, as all of the other 5 players picnicked on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along the sideline of the Blacktop. When, with my mouth full of food, I mentioned to Paulo that a 3-second call might be appropo under the circumstances, Paulo explained that, according to the rules that he's always played by, you can keep one foot in the paint for as long as is needed to score AS LONG AS THAT ONE FOOT IS THE PIVOT FOOT. Oh OK, I never realized that there was an exemption regarding a 3-second call for the official pivot foot. Somebody notify the MIAA, NCAA, CBA, WNBA and the NBA of that rule because there's not a league in existence that's aware of it. Anyway, enough of that, let's move to the exciting 2 on 2 half-court contests. With Ben Cartwright watching (that's right, I have a witness), play began - me and Paulo versus Stigmata and Hamhocks. Game one went to the Hammy/Stiggy crew. Game two went to the Paulo/Lenny squad. In game three, the following actually went down (I swear, you can ask Ben): First, Stigmata comes up with a rule that you must check the ball not once, but 4 times before you can officially begin play after a score. That's 4 checks of the ball every time there's an in-bounds. Then Stigmata, during one of the aforementioned checks, slaps the ball from Paulo's hand as Paulo is holding it out to Stig for one of the official 4 checks, and the ball rolls all the way over to the fieldstone benches that Hamhocks has along the court. Stigmata refuses to get the ball and makes Ben Cartwright go over to get it. Then, while Stigmata is very closely guarded by me, Stig decides to hold onto the ball for approximately 45 seconds while he tries to make up his mind about what to do. When I mentioned that the rules state that a closely guarded player must lose possession of the ball within 5 seconds or it is a turnover, Stigmata said that that rule only applies in high school and college and that the Blacktop is actually the NBA. Stigmata then (and I'm not kidding, you can ask Ben) made us pick what NBA players we were going to be, just like when I was in 3rd grade playing at Pulaski Park in Fall River. I picked Paul Silas, Paulo picked Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, Hamhocks chose Wes Unseld and, of course, Stigmata told us he was "Pistol" Pete Maravich. So, we played our little fantasy game and made believe that we were NBA players. But the best was yet to come. In game 3, with me and Paulo blowing Hammy and Stiggy away by a score of 4-0 or so, I inadvertantly made the comment that if we were to lose the game at that point (with a 4-0 lead) I wouldn't play at the Blacktop for the rest of the 2005 season. Suddenly Stigmata, who had taken some of the worst shots known to man during all of the previous games of the day, decides to throw it into overdrive. With Stigmata going nuts, all of a sudden me and Paulo are losing 6-5 and the Hamhocks/Stigmata team is about to get possession of the ball. So what do you think that my team does, at the suggestion of Paulo? That's right - we walk right off of the court so as not to take any chances with my playing status for the rest of the year. The infamous walk-off, which has gained a new popularity at the Blacktop this year, may have saved me from being banned at the Blacktop, although I personally think that we would have stopped them and then won the game. An official ruling on the walk-off went to elder statesman and Hall of Famer Ben "Jose The MVP" Cartwright, who ruled that although we did lose the game by forfeit, I am still eligible to play for the rest of the year because we didn't lose the game by score. There were other mental things that went on that, if I touched on them here, I'd be writing all day. How about the anarchy in the deSilva household without Hamhocks in there? While we're playing 2 on 2 for an hour, so that NC can go to Fifi's, it turns out that NC is still in the shower getting ready to go to Fifi's. Without Hamhocks in the house, NC's in the shower, Erica's sipping some chablis and total lawlessness is going on right in front of Brenda. Who would believe it?