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The Assassin waits at mid-court for his opponent
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CHAINSAW WALKS OFF - DR. J-MAN GETS PUNK'D - RASHEED GETS HITCHED Saturday, August 20th, led to some more controversy at the Blacktop. On a day where just about everybody, except Hamhocks, got to be on a winning team, Ambrose "Chainsaw" Smith ended up walking off of the court in the middle of a game. Chainsaw immediately removed his sneakers and socks so that there would be no misconceptions about whether or not he was going to play anymore. When everyone inquired of Chainsaw why he was out of the game, Chainsaw advised that he was tired of watching his team throw up outrageous shots without moving the ball around. Sound familiar? To the best of my recollection, Chainsaw didn't even have Stigmata or The King on his team at the time. At any rate, Stigmata came into the game to fill in for Chainsaw (how ironic that one of the most famous look-off infraction guys ever at the Blacktop would come into the game under these circumstances?), and play continued. Chainsaw did not play for the rest of the day. //// Later, while sitting poolside, the following Blacktoppers were still in attendance: Hamhocks, NC, Chainsaw, Stigmata, Justin "Paulo" Coelho, Dr. J-Man, Jose the MVP, Billy "F-ing" Shea, KC and yours truly. At that time, NC came up with the idea of PUNKing Dr. J-Man. The idea was to pull an Ashton Kutcher, the immature, Demi Moore-banging, loud-mouthed, nitwit host of MTV's "Punk'd" television show, on the good Doctor. I was originally against the idea but, under a tremendous amount of peer pressure from my Blacktop brethren, I agreed to punk the J-Man. The 10 of us agreed, out of the hearing of the J-Man, to not laugh, under any circumstances, at anything the J-Man might say. Initially, it wasn't working too well, as I was the first to forget and laugh at a Dr. J-Man joke. After I was chastised by everybody, we all renewed our vow not to laugh at anything. Hamhocks was the next to blow it, as he began giggling (like a 10-year old schoolgirl - you should hear Hammy giggle as he runs toward the pool, like a ballerina, to jump in) at a J-Man comment. I gave Hamhocks the dirtiest look that I could muster and he quickly remembered what was up and got with the program. As time went on, everybody (except the J-Man, of course) was keeping straight-faced, no matter what the Doctor was saying. Occasionally, about 10 seconds after the J-Man had said another joke, somebody would make eye contact with somebody else and then everybody, except the J-Man, would break out into uncontrollable laughter. The poor J-Man looked tremendously perplexed by the situation but, like a good Blacktopper, didn't give up (like Lenny and Chainsaw) and kept trying to add some jocularity to the proceedings. Unfortunately for the J-Man, by now everybody was on the same page and nobody was forgetting to keep the no-laugh bond anymore. Comment after comment, joke after joke, nobody so much as grinned at anything the J-Man had to say. Then the ultimate Punk'd situation occurred. MTV would love to have some footage of this for their stupid show. Anyway, as the J-Man was sitting there, getting quieter and quieter, and obviously (by his facial expression) wondering what was wrong with his material and/or delivery, he decided to go for one last joke, one on one with Billy "F-ing" Shea. This was the big one. If Billy could hold the line, which would be extremely tough in a one-on-one situation, the J-Man would be ready to have a fork stuck in him because he'd be done. The J-Man told Billy a funny story about somebody, with Billy looking to his right and staring the J-Man straight in the eyes. At the moment of the punchline, while the J-Man laughed at his own story, Billy, still looking the J-Man right in the eye and with an expressionless face, said, "I don't know the guy" and just looked away from the J-Man like he hadn't even heard what the J-Man had said. Meanwhile, Dr. J-Man looked like somebody who had lost his best friend and it was obvious, by the expression on his face, that he had just about had it with all of us. I could't take it anymore and hollered, "Billy, you are the man," at which time, everybody broke out in laughter, except for the obviously distraught Dr. J-Man. The J-Man then got up, grabbed his bag and went into the poolhouse. Now, realizing the goofballs we had been at the J-Man's expense, we all decided that somebody should go into the poolhouse and explain what we had been up to to the J-Man. There was some conversation about not immediately telling him and then just posting this story on the website for the J-Man to read but, as the J-Man stayed in the poolhouse for a longer and longer period of time, it was obvious to all in attendance that the J-Man must be told forthwith. Being an old-timer and a Blacktop Hall of Famer, Jose the MVP was chosen to tell Dr. J-Man what the deal was. When the J-Man came out from the poolhouse with the information provided by Jose the MVP, he looked somewhat relieved that it had all been a prank, but still looked somewhat bewildered by the whole concept. NC, the instigator, explained that it was a scam similar to what they do on MTV's "Punk'd," but it wasn't apparent by the J-Man's demeanor that he saw the humor in the whole thing. Shortly thereafter, the J-Man left the deSilva residence, while being driven by his antagonist, NC. The rest of us stayed poolside, feeling really bad about what we had done. //// Lastly, I was in attendance, along with Cindy, KC, Stigmata, Jen, Brenda, Hamhocks and NC when Rasheed traded vows with his lovely wife, Hanna. Obviously, Hanna does really exist and she looked beautiful at the ceremony. Rasheed gave a really nice speech at the reception (not close to the quality of a Blacktop Hall of Fame speech, but not bad either) thanking everybody involved in his wedding, especially his family. It seemed weird to see Rasheed all dressed up and being very articulate at his wedding, but he pulled it off in fine fashion. Congratulations to Rasheed and Hanna on a beautiful wedding.
Saturday, August 27, 2005 I've always been a big Three Stooges fan and today I got my chance to play with Moe Howard. Actually, Spec, always trying to lighten the sometimes volatile mood at the Blacktop, was the one who showed up today wearing a hairpiece that made him look like Moe. Unfortunately, Spec also played like Moe and, after losing to an undermanned opponent, finally discarded the Moe wig. Spec, as we all know, always a man of his word, advised as he left the deSilva residence today, after playing, that he would be back later in the afternoon. Well, once again, Spec proved that he's no Douglas MacArthur. How many times am I going to let Spec reel me in with his constant falsehoods? Just like I got burned with Providence College, Bruce Springsteen, the Pawtucket Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the pink building, I got burned again today waiting around until it was obvious that Spec was not returning to deSilvas' today. Thanks, once again, Spec. //// There was another quitting episode today, as the King refused to play any more, well before anybody else was ready to quit for the day. In the tradition of Lenny and Chainsaw, The King sat along the sidelines and refused to play anymore, even though everybody kept begging him to continue. To emphasize the fact, The King removed his sneakers (ala Chainsaw) and just sat there for a few games. Unbelieveably, unlike Lenny and Chainsaw, after about 45 minutes of refusing to play, The King laced them up and returned to the court when the Assassin took out Ben "Jose the MVP" Cartwright. Why would you ever quit only to return at some later point in the day? Like "Timmy" said to George Costanza, when George double-dipped a chip, "Dip it once and end it." King, if you're going to quit, quit once and end it. Don't come back later in the day. //// As I mentioned, The Assassin took out another victim at the Blacktop today. The Assassin, realizing that Ben "Jose the MVP" Cartwright was alone at the Blacktop today and without any of his posse (Little Joe, Adam, Kristin, Ellie), decided to take a shot at Ben. I knew something was probably going to happen when Ben grabbed a couple of consecutive offensive rebounds and put them back in for baskets against the Assassin's team. Knowing full well that Ben had no Cartwright back-up in the vicinity, The Assassin went to work. As Jose went for his third consecutive offensive rebound, The Assassin drilled him with an elbow to the face. The well-placed Assassin elbow popped Ben in the lower lip and split the thing from stem to stern. As we all know, the older you are the thinner your blood becomes. That was never more in evidence than today when Ben Cartwright's lip bled and bled and bled and bled, ad infinitum. This guy is so old, and his blood so thin, that it just doesn't coagulate anymore. In a short period of time, Ben was covered in blood. His face, neck, shirt, shorts and his immediate vicinity was covered in plasma. After about 10 minutes, and with Ben already down about 2 pints, The Assassin finally took a quick look over in Ben's direction, ostensibly to see how he was doing. After taking a quick look, The Assassin went right back to playing against the remaining players on the Blacktop, apparently unconcerned about what the rest of the Cartwright posse is going to think about their "pa" getting whacked. Ben bled for the next 3 hours, while the Assassin finished playing, took a dip in the pool and went home to see TLA. Standby to see how the Cartwrights react to this hit by the Assassin. //// There was some talk, after basketball, about Black Opping the Jalbert residence and the cookout that was supposedly going on there. We almost had a quorum when I, being the most level-headed (no head jokes please) person there, advised against the Black Op mission. After the punking Dr. J-Man went through last week, it just didn't seem right to Black Op him and his family one week later. After some conversation, it was decided that the Black Op team would stand-down regarding this mission. //// Last, but not least, there was a conspiracy brewing today that would have been at the expense of The King. The mission was literally seconds from going down when KC Grandfield advised against it. KC said that, in his opinion, it wouldn't be a good time to do what we had planned to do to The King because The King has some other matters to attend to. Realizing that KC probably knew what he was talking about, the mission was postponed to a later date. It was just postponed, not cancelled, so I am not a liberty to divulge what was about to happen to the King. //// On the bright side of things, Brian Ferris Bueller was unavailable to play today.
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WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2005 I'll try to keep this brief. Tonight, during a two-on-two full court basketball extravaganza, there happened to be a loose ball along the sideline of the Blacktop. Justin "Paulo" Coelho hustled after the ball with The Assassin, never to be outdone in the hustle department, right after both Paulo and the loose ball. Paulo, realizing that The Assassin was right there with him, decided to jump on the loose ball, in the prone position, in order to smother it and gain possession of it. The Assassin bent over at the waist, directly above Paulo, and the battle was on. As possession of the ball went back and forth from The Assassin to Paulo and back again, The Assassin got fed up with the whole situation and suddenly palmed Paulo's noggin' right off of the asphalt. I'm talking about pushing Paulo's head, with full force, right off of the court, like a perfect cocoa-butt between Paulo's squash and the asphalt. As Justin, more stunned than hurt, rolled over onto his back and laid there, The Assassin took possession of the ball and just walked away toward the middle of the court. While Jose The MVP and I went over to see if Justin had a concussion or some other kind of head trauma, The Assassin calmly stated that it was his team's ball and waited at the top of the key for play to resume. After a few minutes, Paulo got to his feet with some assistance and, after shaking out the cobwebs, play resumed - with The Assassin's team in possession of the ball. My question - who's next? The list of The Assassin's victims continues to grow with every Blacktop meeting. Standby for Saturday.
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